Could we use language in such a way that it frees us from demands, blames, judgments and even expectations? Nonviolent communication techniques exist to do just that. They can help us open up our communication with others for an effective and compassionate exchange — even in the face of confrontation.
After attending a recent Mindfulness & Nonviolent Communication class at Stanford University, I took away some major strategies for the to-do list to share. For starters, a difference exists between observations and evaluations.
Evaluations Can Feel Like Judgments
Evaluations come out of our mouths easily, but they feel definite, leaving little room to breathe. Have you said anything like this before?
“You’re always late.”
“She drives too fast.”
“He doesn’t get enough rest.”
Observations Just State the Facts
These are the same examples above stated as observations:
“You’ve come home from work after 10 p.m. the last three nights.”
“She is driving 25 miles over the speed limit.”
“He woke up before 6 a.m and went to bed after midnight every night this week.”
When we communicate with another, stating an observation can feel like just that — an observation. Evaluations can feel like attacks and judgments.
Untangling the Tangles
Sometimes we mix observations and evaluations together. This can happen when we’re beginning to practice observing.
Here’s an example: “My coworker yelled at me yesterday for no reason.”
Observation = My coworker yelled at me yesterday
Evaluation = For no reason
This nonviolent communication technique can help us practice mindfulness in our speech. As we observe what’s happening — even as we say it to others — it allows us to strengthen the work of observing rather than judging in our thoughts and actions. We can stay in the present moment without jumping to conclusions.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
There are milk stains on your shirt, you have some leftover scrambled eggs in your left ear and your nose is covered with butter. Simply stating “you eat like a pig”(evaluation) will be much more effective. What about “you are beautiful” or “you are brilliant”. Even if we could find a proper observation like “looking at you I am thinking of a Ferrari in the show room”, it will be somehow confusing.
If we suddenly start using observation only, many words will disappear from our vocabulary and we will not be able to express our emotions and feelings.
Of course evaluations(judgments) are the source of conflicts, but I will not blame the language. It is the person behind the judging statement who is looking for a conflict. And since we can not and should not change people, the question is how we can deal with a person who is constantly judging you. And since 99.99% of population on this planet are evaluators, I would really like to attend a short but effective seminar teaching me how to deal with them
Interesting observations Jan. I’m no expert in nonviolent communication, but I too would agree that we need a mix of both observations and evaluations at times.
In the class it seemed like we practiced using observation to help diffuse confrontational situations more than anything. I guess I can see its effectiveness in a situation where one person feels overwhelmed/angry/confused/saddened by another’s actions. If a wife was embarrassed about her husband’s sloppy eating habits and one night she said “You eat like a pig,” he may feel hurt and defensive. On the other hand, if she told him instead that he had stains on his shirt, leftover scrambled egg in his ear and a nose covered with butter, he can respond to those observations.
In terms of a short but effective seminar on how to deal with evaluators, my humble suggestion would be two words: love them.
Agree, even if if love does not help, at least there will be more love in the world. There is nothing to loose but a lot to gain.